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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28730046">You're the only boy I loved before</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlxt_witchxs/pseuds/scarlxt_witchxs'>scarlxt_witchxs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Fest 2020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:09:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,400</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28730046</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlxt_witchxs/pseuds/scarlxt_witchxs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus writes letters to the boys he loved. But when one - and a particular one, Sirius's one - gets leaked, he has to deal with the consequences and figure out exactly how falling in love with his best friend works. A 'To All The Boys I've Loved Before' AU</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Marauders Fest 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You're the only boy I loved before</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Sirius Black</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Number 12 Grimmauld Place</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Islington, London</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Sirius,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wow, this letter seems so formal, isn’t it? Though I suppose love is a formality. Alright. Nah. I’m giving up trying to be fancy. Well, Sirius. It’s so hopeless, I’m a fool. There are four other letters in the box, the boys I could’ve chosen to love - four, chrissakes - yet you’re the only one I truly feel like </span>
  </em>
  <span>home</span>
  <em>
    <span> with. And it’s stupid, the werewolf falling in love with the heir but fuck you so much it hurts. I love you. You don’t love me. We’re friends and so close but I see you with Mary, Cynthia, hell, even Lily and you tease them and laugh and wrap your arm around their shoulders and how I wish it was me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>We could do it - no homo - but nah, full homo here. I’m bisexual but Merlin, more like Sirius-sexual. You’re all that I think about and it’s distracting. WE ARE FRIENDS AND NOTHING ELSE FULL STOP I AM A RAMBLING LUNATIC.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Y’know today? In Charms? And I dropped my inkwell and blushed bright red and scratched the tip of my nose with my quill? Yeah, I was thinking of you. This morning. Mm, when I walked in on you changing and IT’S SO UNFAIR ONE HUMAN CAN HAVE SUCH DEFINED MUSCLES HONESTLY. I hate it. You need to make it harder for me to love you, or else this friendship is going to shit and it’s all because I can’t keep my thoughts to myself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m going to stop this letter here. Just know that I’m stupidly in love with you, and I guess that’s alright. As long as you don’t know. Definitely. Never. Love ya, hate ya, au revoir Sirius Black. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(well, until breakfast because we quite literally live together)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Remus John Lupin</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wall, Remus decided, of the second stall in the boys' bathroom on the third corridor, was interesting. There were the usual culprits - J.P + L.E, the J.P scribbled over with S.S, a particularly unflattering remark about Mulciber’s eyebrows, and various games of noughts and crosses - adorning the painted wooden door and walls. He counted the number of noughts and crosses games played. 28.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Twenty-eight. Seven times four - a week times four - made twenty-eight days, and four weeks was a month. There was exactly a month till the term ended, and Remus planned to spend every moment of it shut in this stall. The full moon was in five days, but he’d work around that later. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was all his goddamn fault. He didn’t lock the case after all - </span>
  </em>
  <span>and now everything was spilled right out into the open. And who did it? He certainly didn’t know. Remus wanted to know, so he could make their life a living hell.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only positive out of the situation was that it was only Sirius’s letter that had been sent - but still, that was probably the worst. He’d be forever known as Remus Lupin, the gay werewolf that fell in love with Sirius Black and wasn’t loved back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had to have a plan. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Think, Remus, for Merlin’s sake. You’re the planner! </span>
  </em>
  <span>But his brain was stubborn and the only idea offered was avoidance. It was to be for the best - Remus wouldn’t get hurt, Sirius wouldn’t get hurt, and there’d be no awkward situations. Happy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was far from that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The full moon was in three days, and Sirius hadn’t spoken to Remus once since finding a letter tucked under his pillowcase two days ago. After reading the letter, though, he was determined to seek him out. They had to talk, Merlin’s pants, otherwise everything would be ruined and Sirius didn’t want it to end like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>James had already cornered him - “Where’s Remus? Did you guys fight? What’s wrong, Padfoot, tell me…”, but Sirius had brushed him aside with comments of “It’s fine,” and “Remus is busy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Doing what, he didn’t know, but avoiding Sirius seemed to be high on Remus’s list of priorities. When night fell and all four boys were in the dorms, Remus silently closed his curtains and spelled them shut. Sirius didn’t know what he was doing, for heaven’s sake! All he wanted to do was </span>
  <em>
    <span>talk, </span>
  </em>
  <span>fucking hell, but Remus was like a ghost, and Sirius couldn’t seem to catch him. Perhaps he’d be alright, later, he’d give it another day… he’d see.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So far Remus was successfully avoiding Sirius - but it was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard. </span>
  </em>
  <span>All he wanted to do was just go over there, run his hands through that </span>
  <em>
    <span>hair, </span>
  </em>
  <span>kiss those </span>
  <em>
    <span>lips, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but chrissakes, he couldn’t. His plan would be ruined. And so Remus pursed his lips, clenched his fist, and turned his head away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The moon, Remus, oui? What’ll happen then? </span>
  </em>
  <span>The question had hung in his mind ever since he found the letter gone and knew Sirius had received it - what would he do during the full moon? The wolf would be pining, and Remus knew that the wolf was always the strongest on those nights. Sirius being there - well, Padfoot - wasn’t going to help things, either. The wolf could sense that Remus the human knew the dog, and pushed just a little harder at his thoughts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. Three days - no, two days - was long enough for him, and so Remus pushed the full moon out of his head and went back to reading the book in the secluded corner of the library.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A phenomenon commonly referred to as love, and the act of loving another being for traits they possess and what they bring to the lover’s life is an interesting field to delve into. Here, Dami-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was like the world had some sort of conspiracy theory against him. Blah blah let’s do everything to remind Remus Lupin that Sirius Black doesn’t love him blah blah. He closed the book and slumped his head in his hands. A month. Twenty-eight days- no, twenty-seven. That was just twenty-six days too long though! He just wanted to leave, honestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’d still see him over summer, and next year though, non? Remus, tu es stupide. You’re not escaping him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sirius was constantly in his mind and he hated it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus was also in Sirius’s mind, but for all the wrong reasons. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Where was he? What was he doing? Merlin, all he wanted to do was talk! He didn’t have to avoid him! </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sirius’s arguments against himself were a waste of words. Remus would talk when he was ready, he knew, but he didn’t know when that would be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so another day passed, until the full moon was the next day and the two boys hadn’t spoken. Sirius wondered what Remus wanted - did he want them with him? Or would the wolf not like it? He didn’t know. Nothing like this had ever really happened before, there had never been a fight so big they went days without talking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last time and only time the two boys hadn’t spoken was third year, after a prank had gone disastrously wrong, and Sirius had ended up in the hospital wing. He didn’t speak to Remus for all of one hour, until he decided that actually having all the chocolate in Honeydukes was no use if you had no one to share it with (James and Peter were similarly injured, the three being the actual pranksters, and Remus just the brilliant mastermind). But in the end, nothing ever lasted. This was splitting them apart, and Sirius had no idea what to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And his feelings, too, they were messing with his head. Ever since he read the letter, Remus’s words kept floating through his thoughts; </span>
  <em>
    <span>“You need to make it harder for me to love you… You’re the only one I truly feel like </span>
  </em>
  <span>home</span>
  <em>
    <span> with…” </span>
  </em>
  <span>echoing like stones down a well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus loved him. Sirius- well, he couldn’t deny all he wanted was friendship. Sometimes, when it was just the two of them, they’d almost crossed into something that was dangerously close to lovers, or flirt-ees, or something just a little less friends, a little more I’d-like-to-snog-you-senseless-against-this-wall. The tension, but Sirius just brushed it off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The letter had brought everything back full surface, and suddenly Sirius was wondering if Remus’s feelings weren’t one sided. He’d think about it. The full moon was tomorrow, and Sirius decided he’d spend it with the wolf. Talk to him, even though Remus couldn’t hear him. Maybe that’d sort him out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The day of the full moon dawned and the wolf was antsy. It could sense the day receding and Remus struggled with holding it at bay just until nightfall. Classes he just grimaced and tried his hardest to focus (</span>
  <em>
    <span>were the others taking notes for him? was Sirius?) </span>
  </em>
  <span>just enough so that the day wasn’t wasted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But afternoon rolled around and dinner swept by so quickly Remus couldn’t remember what he’d eaten, and all of a sudden he was knocking on the wood of the hospital wing doors and asking for Madam Pomfrey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remus, dear, you ready?” The matron fussed around him, looking at him with an expression in her eyes he’d seen many times. It was something along the lines of pity, but then a steely glint that wasn’t determined to show the boy any weakness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“As ready as every month, I guess.” Remus’s smile was thin across his lips. He’d been doing this for what seemed like forever, he knew the process. She’d lead him out to the entrance to the Shack, lock the door, and hurry down the passage again. The wolf would be with the deer, the rat, and the dog (but would he this time?) until the sun dawned and in the wolf’s place there was a skinny, scarred boy curled in a ball on the wooden floor of the Shack.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman tapped his shoulder and he turned, subconsciously knowing the way out of the castle. He walked behind, and dreaded yet another moon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sirius was going to stay with Remus for the full moon. James was sick, and Peter was sick, (and a lucky coincidence, Sirius thought, for what was going to happen) so it was just Sirius and Remus, the dog and the wolf.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He crept silently under the cloak down to the Shack and hid behind a tree, waiting for Madam Pomfrey to leave. When the sun finally dropped from the sky and the moon lit up the forest, Sirius tucked the cloak under a rock and slipped into Padfoot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dog sat quietly in the corner and watched as the wolf took over Remus. He hated this part. The expression on Remus’s face made Sirius want to hold him and never let go, whisk all the pain away with a hug and words that weren’t going to do anything, really.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two minutes passed and in the place of Remus there was a grey werewolf, hunched on the floor. The dog whined and the wolf looked up with moon eyes. There was a quizzical expression on his face - he knew the dog, and so the wolf bounded out of the Shack and into the dark of the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dog followed, determined not to lose him, and so Padfoot and Moony disappeared into the Forbidden Forest, just like every other full moon. Or so Remus thought - Sirius’s feelings, well, they were complex. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dog was there… the wolf was surprised. He’d almost expected to be by himself, have to suffer through another long night, the transformations all the more painful. The dog made it better, in the end, having someone keep him company.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wolf whined again, and the dog barked back, a short, sharp sound that hung in the trees like fog. Without warning, the wolf bounded into the forest, the dog shortly behind, almost as if he was trying to put his troubles behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> And so midnight rolled past, and three am, until the wolf was back in the Shack and shaking as it changed from the wolf to Remus, Sirius shifting as he saw the final claws retract into Remus’s fingers and the boy slump on the ground. New scars peppered his chest, whiplash from the trees and the tussles of the dog.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sirius watched Remus, collapsed on the ground. He smiled - a faint, small smile - and knelt to cradle the exhausted boy in his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remus,” Sirius began. He wasn’t really sure why, but he needed to get it off his chest. “I know you can’t hear me but I’m in love with you. I think. I’m not really sure how love works, but I got your letter. I read it. I kept it, Moony, hidden, and I didn’t tell anyone. James just thinks it was the moon that made you act funny. and we just couldn’t catch each other, and Peter didn’t notice. Don’t worry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But yeah. I’m in love with you. I love you. And maybe, once I find the courage, I’ll tell you. One day, Moony, you’ll know that all I ever want to be is yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus was about 99% sure he was hallucinating - a shirtless Sirius Black confessing that he loved him? Surely a dream. Delusions of a werewolf, part one. But when Sirius kept talking, and said all he ever wanted to be was Remus’s, it wasn’t a dream anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly Sirius was real and he was cradled in his arms as Sirius professed his love, unaware that Remus was listening. He had to do something! He couldn’t let it go to waste, so he mustered the last, little bit of energy that he had and reached a shaky hand up to touch Sirius’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boy startled, looking down at Remus with a blush growing on his cheeks. “Y- you heard?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus tried to nod. “O- o- oui. J'ai fait, I did. And- I’m the same.” His voice was a whisper, husky against his raw throat. Drawing in a deep breath, Remus tried to clear his voice, but all that came out was a feeble, croaked cough. Sirius wrapped him tighter in his arms, Remus’s head pressed to his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All I ever want to be is yours. I love you so much, Sirius.” Remus mumbled to Sirius’s chest, but he knew Sirius heard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And in that moment, Remus knew. He was irrevocably Sirius’s, and that was alright.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
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